Life really can be hard to figure out sometimes. I know my role and what I should be doing but it doesn’t always feel like that’s the path it should follow. Confused? Yeah me too! Haha! Parenting is downright confusing, hard and like the world’s biggest and never ending rollercoaster! But no one ever said it was going to be easy.
I recently read a blog that a mother had written to her first born and it triggered a fair bit of emotion in me (what’s new really?). She spoke about how her firstborn child was the one that made her a mother and she felt that she was tougher on that child because they were first in line. It hit me hard on so many levels.
I know the pain of expecting maybe a little too much from my first born because she is the eldest. Even as I write this I’m tearing up. In my head she is growing by the second but in my heart she will always be my baby. I feel torn because teaching her that in her role as the eldest sibling she forges the path for her younger sister, but in reality it doesn’t matter or at least it shouldn’t. Maybe I just want everything to be perfect for her when in reality, it shouldn’t make any difference. But you never think about it in the moment when everything is happening right in front of you.
Sometimes I worry I’m making her grow up quicker than she needs to and that she is still only little in the whole scheme of things. Maybe I’m in denial, knowing that while she needs me, a part of her doesn’t and I’m still trying to control that part and in return she retaliates. Usually with stubbornness, attitude and oh so much sass. Many would say she’s definitely my daughter. Not sure I see the resemblance, haha!
Maybe not having been the eldest myself growing up, my opinion and view of how to treat my own girls is somewhat flawed. I watched as my older brother got away with quite a lot (he would deny this of course) and it set the benchmark for what I could or rather was never allowed to do! I don’t know the answers, maybe I never will and that’s just how the journey is meant to go.
From watching both my daughters forge their paths in this tumultuous world, what I can say I have noticed about them both is their tenacity and strength to be themselves. Oh do I live and breathe it daily. It frustrates me and almost breaks me but deep down a little bit of pride sneaks up too. I can’t always control the way things happen (it’s one of my weaknesses that I struggle with, but that’s a whole other story) and I know I should just let them be but then the realities of having to parent kick in. But that’s all part of the fun, at least that’s what I keep telling myself anyway. If you see me rocking in the corner, come and save me, haha!