Good times and bad

Do you ever just look at your kids and think wow what did I do to be given such angels? Pffffft nope neither do I! If it ever happens it’s usually in the five minutes they sleep peacefully….in their own beds. Ahhhhhh bliss. I’m still waiting for that five minutes. I can dream that one day it’ll happen!

The joys of parenting are never ending. You worry if they’re too hot or too cold. You worry they’re going to axe themselves when they start running at a million miles per hour on hard ground. Soft skin on little arms and legs doesn’t take too kindly to rocks, concrete or even dry grass it seems. I’m sure it’ll toughen them up in some way right?!

The fun I’m facing right now involves the constant battle to get each other in trouble. There’s snatching of toys, hitting, ear piercing screams and tears plus many cries of “mummy, mummy, mummy” followed by accusations of things that haven’t happened just to cause more trouble. And it’s not always who you first think as the instigator either!! It’s a case of can’t you two just get along? They do for awhile and it can be cute to watch but it’s almost like an invisible hand flicks a switch and a treasured toy is taken causing the outbreak of another sibling war, it’s just awesome.

I swear I heard Miss Phoebe, who isn’t even two yet, ask me “why” when I was talking to her recently. I knew this day would come but I’m not ready for two children asking me why of everything just yet. It’s enough they’re competing to get all of mummy to themselves, I’m not sure I can handle hearing double cries of why? I think my head might explode, haha!

But kids know exactly when to push your buttons. They have a knack for working out when your defences are down and boom they pounce, usually teaming up together for an extra boost as well. And it sounds terrible but sometimes I love being able to dish out a bit of punishment in return. Confiscating toys or even reneging on a promise after they do something wrong, you almost can’t help but laugh at their reaction. I must admit I do give in occasionally. It’s the quivering lip and puppy dog eyes that get me!

I’m not always nice mummy though. It can be little things, big things and sometimes nothing at all. But it’s when they don’t listen that I get a little frustrated. I just love repeating myself, said no mother ever. Not to mention saying things in slow motion as you repeat them to the child who has said “what?” to the message you are trying to get across to them. Grrrrrrrr! If you listen the first time….we all know that will never happen!!
As I’ve said many times before (talk about repeating myself, haha) even though they drive me crazy, I would be lost without my babies, they are my world. I don’t want to scream, yell or get angry with them but sometimes you just have to do it and maybe quietly cry about it later. The things we mummas have to do are endless but I guess it’s all part of the journey or motherhood.

But there was one moment recently that definitely made me smile and it’s not the first time my girls have done it either. As I watched then playing together….nicely too…they started giggling, clearly having a great time and without hesitation they hugged. The sister bond they share is not one I will ever know but it makes me glad to know they will always have each other to lean on.

Looking from the outside in

You never really know what type of mum you are going to be until you’re living the role. And even then, you’ll still find yourself all over the place.
Because kids are unpredictable.
There’s no manual, no rule book and definitely no remote control! Although that would make some things a lot easier to deal with!

And while some days I wouldn’t change a thing, there are others I know I reach my limit. It’s normal to feel like you’re doing a bad job. But it’s hard when that brings you down!

This is not an easy topic to talk about but I’ve spent a lot of time in the last few years in a difficult head space and dealing with anxiety and very likely depression.
I’ve doubted myself big time as a mum and as a person, I still do in many ways, and I’ve probably missed out on enjoying a lot of life both with and without my girls.

I got lost in a world where I thought I had to do everything myself and do it perfectly or everyone would think I couldn’t handle being a mum.
I thought I was on top of things but was barely floating on the surface and I spent a lot of time with a smile plastered on my face that hid the real truth, I was struggling but never wanted to or could actually admit it to anyone.

I felt that if I admitted I needed or asked for help that I would be seen as a failure or didn’t have a clue what I was doing. Yes, it sounds silly I know but that’s where my head was at. I had to prove that I was not only capable but awesome at everything when it came to being a mum.

I think a big part of why I put so much pressure on myself was because I was also a stay at home mum. I didn’t want anyone to think that because I was able to stay at home I did nothing all day. I had to make sure it looked like I was on top of everything.

So where did it really get me?! Nowhere good that’s for sure and it’s cost me in many ways. I’ve faced many down moments and it’s been very hard to pick myself up again. Even now it can be hard to smile, especially when my mind takes over. But I’m very unashamed to admit I’m seeing a counsellor and it’s making a big difference. I’m feeling better within myself and learning different ways to deal with my thoughts.

I’m far from being fully back to my old happy self. But I’m working on ways to try to find myself again. It’s definitely not easy and I still have days where I find myself falling into old thought processes, it’s a habit that’s hard to break. But I keep telling myself I can do this and my two little girls are counting on me to be the best mum I can be for them. They are my world and the very reason I know I can and must do this!

So if I can impart any wisdom to other mums or anyone out there struggling in any way, it’s don’t be afraid to admit you’re not okay or that you need help. Don’t let things get on top of you, it’s okay to say things aren’t alright. I know firsthand that’s easier said than done but the first step is always the hardest! No one is perfect and we all make mistakes, it’s just not always easy to admit that to yourself, especially as a mum.

To sum it all up I found a quote from my favourite show Sex and the City. Carrie Bradshaw is a part of the reason I became a writer and that thought alone helps me smile again!

“Sometimes we need to stop analysing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want and just see what happens.”

Timing isn’t always everything

Is there ever a good time in life to do anything??
Or do you keep waiting for the “right” time?

Life is a roller coaster of highly anticipated events.
From the moment you’re born, you go through your multitude of first achievements, head off to school, maybe study further and then launch yourself into a job/career/life path.

But if that isn’t enough, your personal life has its own roll of events.

Lots of questions are thrown at you from all those near and dear.
Have you got someone special in your life?
If you have been together for a long time, it’s when will you get engaged??
Once you’re engaged when will you get married?
Once married, it’s the dreaded inevitable question everyone is asked: when are you having kids?

Once you pop out the first one, when are you going to have another one??
Then repeat if there is the prospect of any more rug rats.

And so on and so on.

So you’re probably wondering where I’m going with this (hopefully you’re still reading)….

As always it is related to my beautiful girls, because let’s face it without them, I’m not sure what I’d write about.

They fill my life with lots of fun, drama, chaos, giggles and so much more.

I became a first time mum at 29 and looking back I think I still didn’t feel quite ready.
Hell I’m a mum of two at 32 and there are days I still have no idea what I’m doing.
Like most other mums I’m just fumbling through trying to make it look like I have a grip on things.

It’s not easy raising little humans. I don’t think it matters how much you (try to) prepare yourself for life as a parent, it’s still one of those things in life full of the unknown.

No parent is perfect and neither are their children, good luck to you if you think otherwise!

I’m far from being an expert but I’ve certainly got a small grasp on a few things in the (nearly) three years I’ve been known as “Mummy”.

Well I’m guessing I’ve done at least one or two things right because the girls are still alive (haha!).

Some advice/musings/general ramblings:
-Parenting is hard work and life altering! Like most things in life there really is no ideal time to have children, but they will change your life in good and bad ways.

– It is not quite the same as having a pet, although some days I’m not so sure….

-There is a difference to having a child full time and looking after someone else’s before you have your own.
If we could all try before we buy, it might be a different story (just kidding!).

-Kids will gang up on you, they sense fear and vulnerability! They know when you’re having a shit day and they don’t care so you really have to put on your big girl panties and keep going.

-Toddlers have serious attitude, they will make you question your every move. And yes they will push you to breaking point.
But it’s always great to remind them that you still have all the control over their toys, food and anything fun, some might just call it bribery.

But once again try to remember that when it comes to kids time will fly by. So hold on tight because they do grow way too fast.
Enjoy every kiss, cuddle, whisper and unconditional love like there is no tomorrow but always be prepared for the twists and turns that come hand in hand with raising mini versions of yourself.

And while they never hear the rules you make, you can bet they always remember the promises!!

The spoken word

Apparently I’m daddy/dada.

Mind you, so is the toy bunny, television and most other people.

Our darling daughter has decided it’s her word of choice…for now.

Let’s just say I’m definitely not ready for “no”!!

While it may sound cute hearing daddy on repeat, there are times when I long to hear the word mummy.

Although I’ve been told the time will come when I regret that thought.

A few days ago we were having breakfast and I hear daddy for about the 1000th time (slight exaggeration of course), so I tapped my chest and said “mummy”.

The result was both hilarious and exasperating at the same time.

Miss Izzie decided to copy mummy by also tapping her chest and saying “mum mum”.

Trying not to laugh I repeated the whole thing again only for her to point at me and call me dada.

Ahhhhhh……sigh.

As a stay-at-home mum, I can’t help feeling a little ripped off.

I put hours each day into playing, reading, pushing trikes and preparing food, all I want is to hear that one word.

A good friend of mine has two beautiful girls and I often look to her for advice.

She promises me that soon I’ll be wishing my name wasn’t mummy.

She tells me that mummy is often followed by many questions or sentences, repeated again and again.

The closest I’ve come to hearing mummy is what I can interpret as “yum yum” (see, similar letters), but it’s usually when there’s a mouthful of food involved.

Although there are times I can tell when a rambling of “mum, mum, mum” is going to happen.

Every now and then, more often than not it’s during moments of frustration.
There’s no better way to feel loved than watching your child repeatedly tap a toy or surface and say “mum, mum, mum, mum”.

I guess it’s better than nothing.

Like many mums before me, we all know it’s nothing personal and I must admit I’m pretty proud of the achievement nonetheless.

Another friend had the last laugh when her beautiful little girl decided mum was the better choice and started using mum for her father as well, even yelling it out in public.

We can always rely on kids to keep things lighthearted or embarrassing depending on the situation.

Whether I hear mummy or daddy, there’s no denying that spark of recognition in my daughter’s eyes when she comes to me for cuddles and I’ll never say no to that.

For now I think I’ll just remember to keep repeating “mum, mum, mum” right before my gorgeous girl goes to bed, I swear that’s what her father has done….