You never really know what type of mum you are going to be until you’re living the role. And even then, you’ll still find yourself all over the place.
Because kids are unpredictable.
There’s no manual, no rule book and definitely no remote control! Although that would make some things a lot easier to deal with!
And while some days I wouldn’t change a thing, there are others I know I reach my limit. It’s normal to feel like you’re doing a bad job. But it’s hard when that brings you down!
This is not an easy topic to talk about but I’ve spent a lot of time in the last few years in a difficult head space and dealing with anxiety and very likely depression.
I’ve doubted myself big time as a mum and as a person, I still do in many ways, and I’ve probably missed out on enjoying a lot of life both with and without my girls.
I got lost in a world where I thought I had to do everything myself and do it perfectly or everyone would think I couldn’t handle being a mum.
I thought I was on top of things but was barely floating on the surface and I spent a lot of time with a smile plastered on my face that hid the real truth, I was struggling but never wanted to or could actually admit it to anyone.
I felt that if I admitted I needed or asked for help that I would be seen as a failure or didn’t have a clue what I was doing. Yes, it sounds silly I know but that’s where my head was at. I had to prove that I was not only capable but awesome at everything when it came to being a mum.
I think a big part of why I put so much pressure on myself was because I was also a stay at home mum. I didn’t want anyone to think that because I was able to stay at home I did nothing all day. I had to make sure it looked like I was on top of everything.
So where did it really get me?! Nowhere good that’s for sure and it’s cost me in many ways. I’ve faced many down moments and it’s been very hard to pick myself up again. Even now it can be hard to smile, especially when my mind takes over. But I’m very unashamed to admit I’m seeing a counsellor and it’s making a big difference. I’m feeling better within myself and learning different ways to deal with my thoughts.
I’m far from being fully back to my old happy self. But I’m working on ways to try to find myself again. It’s definitely not easy and I still have days where I find myself falling into old thought processes, it’s a habit that’s hard to break. But I keep telling myself I can do this and my two little girls are counting on me to be the best mum I can be for them. They are my world and the very reason I know I can and must do this!
So if I can impart any wisdom to other mums or anyone out there struggling in any way, it’s don’t be afraid to admit you’re not okay or that you need help. Don’t let things get on top of you, it’s okay to say things aren’t alright. I know firsthand that’s easier said than done but the first step is always the hardest! No one is perfect and we all make mistakes, it’s just not always easy to admit that to yourself, especially as a mum.
To sum it all up I found a quote from my favourite show Sex and the City. Carrie Bradshaw is a part of the reason I became a writer and that thought alone helps me smile again!
“Sometimes we need to stop analysing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want and just see what happens.”